Last Wishes

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t was  my last wish , I craved for you  at that moment. It would be my only chance to see you I believed. One last time I guess .I hope you reminisce me. I know you surely will . The real question is ,whether you recollect me fondly or with compunction ,whether thought of me fetches smile on your face or a frown . I pondered whether I am one of your happy flashes or a jiffies which you want to lay to rest

I still have faint remembrance of you telling me  that, you will not  forget me ever ,but that was long go .That was  our initial days of togetherness. I guess it does not matter what you say at start of relationships, its all glossy at that time  .Its all derived from what you have seen in romantic movies or read in dreamy  novels .It lures stimulus from the charismatic prince would say to gorgeous princess or what a girl in anguish would have to say to her rescuer .You try to replicate that for you .The  romance always starts as if it meant to be forever .The emotion of love has nibbled you and you are  enjoying the rush it brings to you ,the sensation of a want and to be desired. The sentiment of being on top of the world, when every path is bloomed and every season feels like pink winter.

But when realism sets in. The sense of confidence turns to feeling of hopefulness. Forever still residues .But now it is the response to query till when this Love duress will last .Yes, its forever.

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t was start of new day. I was lounging around in my bedstead when my mother woke me up . “Get up fast . Do you want to be late on first day of Job “. My mother was more excited than me .It was feeling only mother would know , finally her little girl was growing up.

She always tells me how much .I had cried on my first day at school . I won’t let my mother go .I cried cried cried unendingly. First day was over by the time I clogged. On subsequent days, crying stopped with chocolate assurance. I have my school commemorations too ,I remember Suvarna  sharing her lunch box  with me . I simply loved snacks she carried. My mother was wonderful cook too, but who can say no to having delicious south Indian food with buttery punjabi dishes. I now had two wonderful cooks at my command and so did Suvarna. Since then suvarna became the sibling I never had .My sister, My soulmate.

Suvarna had elder brother but its altogether unlike than having a sister isn’t it .Her mother became my amma .her dad Appa and her bro Anna. My father and over dramatic mother too were very fond of  Suvarna . Now  a transformation was  complete .I had become part of their family. They , at no time ,ever distinguished between us. I used to spend more time in their home possibly I was more at ease in her house than she was in mine.

Suvarna and I were inseparable. We had shared minute little details with each other. Shared the joys and sorrows .I recollect, how suvarna had

got into fight with Richa when she pulled my pony in 3^rd standard .I remember I completing her five times homework she got because of being ever loquacious in the class. When she got her first love letter in 8^th standard from a nerd in our school, she was frightened about what her parents will think. I, in response, gave the letter  to principal’s daughter . The boy never dared to come near us again.

We had huge fight. It was  when I developed my first infatuation on Shahid Kapoor after watching Ishq Vishq . The argument was  about who had said it first and I won it . Shahid was only for me ,Suvarna was allowed to drool over him  in quarantine .But she got over it when Swapnil came into picture .she was one of  adorable boys in our school, although a year senior. They went around for about six months . But then the inevitable occurred. He broke off citing “I am not sure”  reason . I ,however, knew the reason .He was not getting any action. Suvarna was clearly a conventional girl . She had objectively refused to be part of PDA .I guess she had made right judgment .She didn’t lamented it for sure.

My mother was getting hysterical on my first day .She was tutoring me to behave responsibly. She told me how on first day she wore saree to work (Insert her Mother First day Story ).She had kept her best saree ready for me .I hope she had WhatsApp . I would have sent her ‘Shocked ‘ smiley .’Why are you not wearing that saree.? She asked conjecturing. ‘Common !!! I am going to office not to any wedding ‘I countered .I selected much comfortable Kurti & Legging combo. I just had to wait to see what was the  the dress code at workplace before experimenting .

‘At least pray to God before leaving ‘ my mother said .I did that sending my secret wish that all goes well . I favored touching my mother’s feet to end the melodrama as I stepped out of the house.

I was on my way to my new destination. just then Suvarna called . ‘ All the best & don’t be anxious ,she said . Suvarna had done her BA Honours .She always wanted to be journalist. She had started her job just six  months back with leading Media house . Although it was tough for her in work environment where Boss was an autocrat .He used to set the news agenda for day  himself.. He did this by exercising out-and-out control over the flow, constituent and look of news. His associates, “the core team”, who ran various editorial divisions, spent immense stretches of their lives wordlessly taking notes at a session in the editorial meeting room while he verbalized the channel’s outline to them for most part of the day. He decided the color of flashing panels, altering them whenever he wished. He chose to choose the size of on-screen fonts, after no particular style guide. Even cameramen were told which viewpoints to choose while filming. In short , everyone had to just follow the instructions .So her day was filled with endless meetings and following the commands. But she was relishing the freedom of the first job. After all who does not like being sovereign and earning lot of money for shopping?

I was bit nervous entering the new office . It was Branch of Multinational Bank( Dynamic may change with story ) .I had opted for MBA after my graduation . It was just as everyone was doing . I was in MIS department . As it was first day it went by visiting HR for paperwork. I was then familiarized to my first Boss.  . Mr. Soumit Ghosh . He introduced himself with heavy Bengali ascent. He seemed to be laidback. He then acquainted me to his team .of three Shashank, Vikram ,Arun .” Oh what!! no girls I thought ... Making reports and stuff no big deal or so I am told .

Outlandish place the office is. When you are first join the show .You have outside view of stuffs. You actually don’t know what going on in first few weeks .When everyone is rushing for one thing or other .You are enjoying the tranquility  .Any work allotted is normal of squat value or  lovely to have item  in ostentatious scheme of things . Most of the time it is just to fill you with somewhat. But it’s not what you have been given you have to show your qualities. How well you do your work in small items will govern whether  you will  be trusted with big one . And when the big one work out you have seize it with  big hands.

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fter whole month I started attaining some  hang on the things on Office front. When I got my first paycheck ,it was one of the happiest moment of my life. I decided to party with Suvarna When she had got her first salary I remember we had gone to Taj first time .Even though it was just for know-how .We didn’t like the food of whatsoever little we ordered . We then ate panipuri at nearby stall later that was more enjoyable .Hence we  decided to  be judicious but still  try a new place .We decided to go to bandra .Lunch at ‘Out of the Blue’ & Linking road shopping. Supermarket run with your own money gives you a new high.

We had rant jam-packed lunch . Suvarna was ecstatic continuously talking about her new found urge. Her boyfriend Varun .Varun was in coworker in Workplace . With tyrant boss and late nights you inevitable to find solace in colleague. So in case of frenzied professional life you tend to find a Office soulmate .With whom you can share your office life .You can bitch about your boss or colleague or Company .You can  confide in with work or life problems. You have your own inside jokes that no one else would get and if you find them eligible you can hook around.

Varun was great guy I have met him couple of times .Just perfect for Suvarna . He indulgences her like duchess. Sometimes I feel for humble guy.Suvarna who all her life heeded to her parents, almost behaves like a juvenile with him. He like loyal boyfriend offers into all her  demands. Her contentment is priority for him .It’s challenging to find guy who is not jerk these days. I am happy for Suvarna ,she has found one.

She was persistently asking me to get a boyfriend, ‘It will happen when it will happen’ I articulate to her .

Suvarna was very enthusiastic about her new found love . She cherished him .He showered her with perpetual charms. She told me how he bought 24 greeting cards on her 24 th birthday or the day when he travelled two hour in opposite direction just to spend alone time with her.  I was quite jealous for suvarna ,was obliviously sharing spending for time with her boyfriend. We are together since kindergarden and almost inseparable since, so sharing time with someone else in her life is difficult thought . But I was more happy than jealous. Her life was just dream come true.

After lunch we went to shopping sphere .Shoes ,make up, dresses we bought all whatever we would afford with our salary .Shopping is satisfying no matter how many dresses you already have . Girls have to shop ,she is genetically designed to be so. It was happiest time for both of us. We were getting ‘girl time’ after long time. After all tiring day we headed for home .

Getting auto in Mumbai is event .They are boon and headache at same time .Shorter the distance more difficult is getting an auto .After fifteen minutes of search one  finally agreed  to come . we were crawling along in Bandra traffic on weekend crowd . traffic eased out once we reach the high way which was reasonably empty . We were regretting how much money we spent on our shoping that suddenly we heard the thud and  then a abrupt jerk .Auto had lost control  within few second in crashed into truck along side .

I

 woke up with huge annoyance, hardly able to open my eyes .I would see my mother on my side .I was too fragile to speak .I mother instantaneously held my head and went to call out to others .My right leg and hand had enormous pain due to numerous bruises .My dad and a doctor too joined . Doctor tested the pulse and eyes .I was again   benumbed a while later. Late in the day when I opened the eyes again .I asked for Suvarna. My mother told me she was in ICU, her situation was more precarious. She was sedentary on wrong side of  auto at time of the mishap .I cursed myself for making this plan .But it was all going well till that point . We even envisioned to stay back at Suvarna household that day . I was missing her mother amazing south Indian food .But only if life gives you another chance. We believe in the future .We live in a optimistic world, but it was not to be . I recollect her laughter which was now a silent . ‘She is not improving ‘ that’s what her mother told me .

When varun visited me next day . His eyes were red . He must have continuously sobbed .He must be traumatized. His dream world had turned nightmarish .Realism is more difficult to accept than a fantasy. I could share his feelings. When we see the dream there is gamble that dream will apprehend .But reality which turn your life upside down is certain .It’ s like titanic hitting the iceberg totally unforeseen .Event which you didn’t forestall .

Within few days I was feeling better and better but there was no good news from suvarna’s  side . She was still unconscious after three days. Almost in coma due to severe head injuries .She opened her eyes twice for transitory period , and that’s what gave all of us hope .

I had recuperated to extent I would sit for long hours, and  didn’t require much support for moving around .Contusions were still there and they hurt ,but what hurt more than the bruises was sight of my sisterly soulmate .I would go see her from a distance . Being a patient myself ,I am not allowed to go in as visitor. The scene was not at all I desired to see. Suvarna I knew was beautiful girl with big eyes which said thousand words just by her expressions .But she didn’t allow the expression to do justice. It was very difficult to keep her quiet .She would barrage you with demands .She would tell you stories. Her sense of observation and her take on things she observed were hysterical .But today she lay motionless .That was rare sight  to see her like that . The regular smile was absent .Her gorgeous face was marred with bruises .There were few scars which might not go away in flurry .She was pierced with multiple needles, each sending signal to machine which I don’t understand at all .But machines are ticking in smooth way .They say all was normal I guessed as the  nurses around are not reacting .I wish suvarna would jump out and say ’got you’ .She would have if she could have.

Then few days later mom came to me crying .Suvarna was getting worse . I rushed to see through distance .Today machines where not silent nor smooth. There was abrupt blinking and rushed clamor, all was not signaling good .There was disquieting activities around Suvarna . Nurses were hastening in and out ,doctor were administering some vaccination in one of many tubes.

I look towards Varun, his face was gloomy .He knew the unescapable has arrived.

Amma & Appa had tears in their eyes .There was less hope and more apprehension on their faces .All the hastening ,blinking  of human & machine fell soundless .It came to muteness and everyone were petrified even to look at each other .Amma instantaneously collapsed .The doctor still trying to review her . Varun was in tears anyway .My Mother held my hand tightly. I was too astonished to respond and then my life zoomed in front of  my eyes .Most of my life  I had  spent with suvarna . .Going to school hand in hand ,to fighting over food , all those shopping trip and shared clothes .I become conscious of fact  suvarna is not going to be there again I wanted to rush to her ,hug her .I wish I could make her get up with  my touch .I wish I would talk to her one last time .I wish I would but I could not. And then I burst into tears. I wish this is a nightmare .Someone will jolt me and everything would be fine again .Everything would be as it was on a fate full day. Suvarna the sister which I never had was gone  .She had taken a long route back to heavens above.  

.Suvarna’s death had hurt more than wounds .Life had thrown more questions. I was not paranoid but death of your close ones brings these opinions .I propels you to ask these questions . Life would be both fascinating and delusive .Some time it will show you its charm and sometime will leave you in delusion. All was going well in our life .We both have just started with our professional career. Suvarna, had just found love .We had dreams .Dream for the future which we expect will be there. But will it be there? Do we really know . I thought I will marry at age of 26-27 ,but will I be of that age ever .I seriously don’t know. Always save for heyday, which may never come. Is our life a black hole? We don’t know what in there for next moment .What if things don’t go as we plan. Whether there should be a Plan B .Thought of Plan B, what if there is not plan A in first place .Is it better to live that way .Because there are limitless number of possibilities .Hence there should be Limitless plans as well .What if there is no Plan . in that case there is no future plan .What if I don’t know if I going live a day or years or decade .Shouldn’t we relish whatever we want as soon as possible .As tomorrow may not be there ,finally when day arrives ,I should leave with no regrets .I don’t know how long my life will last .

Now I was giving my life nasty hard look . I was already 24 and so was suvarna , and most of it .I did was studying hard for better future.24 years Almost , 30% of my life .Is it worth? Now suvarna simply wasted 100% of her life for studying things which was of no value to her.

What if tomorrow something happens to me .Who will be remembering me .Does my presence in the world had made any difference at all. Life is what passes by when you are busy doing something for the future. I decided to do something about it .I, Kavya Sharma, won’t let this happen.

I have decided to live life as differently .I wanted to make difference. Make something worthwhile while I am here .Will I am able to accomplish it I don’t know. But at least I will try .I will try to make life worthwhile.I decided to be strong .Suvarna is not there with me but I am still make her proud .As I set out to 10 wishes which I want to fulfill. Before I say good bye .It a 10 point agenda deadline of which expired yesterday .Its all on top priority .No boss is going to tell me which one to do first which one to last .When , how ,where nothing . No meetings ,No review on this agenda. Its my agenda . Kavya Sharma mission .

“Journey of thousand miles begins with a one step” Lao Tzu